June 13, 2008

You know when you realize that you love someone much, much more than they love you?

Usually it’s because of some little thing – some tiny, insignificant look, or the tone of his voice – but combined with all the rest of the evidence that’s been piling up, it’s too much to ignore.  And the truth that has been slowly creeping into your heart suddenly explodes and you know that this other person who means so much to you- she has no idea.  She doesn’t know how you weigh her words, and how you see more in her than she will ever manage to see in herself.  But you can’t say anything, because you’ve finally let the certainty of the variance announce itself and you know he’d consider you foolish.  Or he would pity you, and that would be too much to bear.

And you feel hurt and you feel used because you don’t know how you could have done this to yourself.  How did you let your feelings develop so much? You never intended to let them roam free like this.

This is usually the part where I realize how long the signs have been there, how many times I’ve ignored the million little indicators, and my heart and throat ache from trying to keep back the silly tears.  Because it is silly!  It’s nothing but a lack of looking and listening – it’s a lack of attentiveness.  Pay attention, Yvanka, and you’ll be fine!  Why don’t you pay attention?  This is what happens when you aren’t vigilant.

So then I sit at my desk and put away the old, worn, love-notes that inspired this bout of blue-tinted nostalgia.  While I’m folding them up and putting them right back where they were – sure to inspire another round of this hormone-fueled regret – I realize anew that, though I qualify them as love-notes, there isn’t a word of real affection or care in them at all.  So I try not to let my boss-lady catch me crying, because then I’d have to explain that right now, I’m just so horribly lonely.  She doesn’t need to hear that – what could she possibly do?  I’ll get it all out in the car, I think.


One Response to “Discrepancy.”

  1. zsazsa nutella Says:

    I completely understand this feeling. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Just remember that I love you oh so very much. (and I know you love me too)

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