Abject failure.

November 30, 2008

And I’m back.  Uh, sorry.

It’s the grind, y’all.  In both academia and in music, you have to do all of your prep-work before the actual Christmas season.  I’ve been practicing carols and pieces with my choir since the end of October, and my University job is requiring me to get a move on.  Not to mention the sudden due dates for projects for the end of the semester.  I was gone for a weekend, it was a holiday, I’m a lazy ass.  I will start again tomorrow.  That’s what!

More then!

Til then, my knees hurt and I am getting in bed.

Happy December to you all!

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Little things.

November 19, 2008

Last night, for the first time in recent memory — and, in fact, since probably about junior high school — I had a nightmare.

It was my first day at the new school – and I knew it was a bad idea to take this job in addition to my four other jobs, but I had HAD to.  I was wearing a grey skirt and my ex-boyfriend and the old teacher were both standing in the back of the room – friendly, but expectant.  I had no idea what I was going to teach.  I put on a movie.  It was horrible.  I felt like a failure.  I was wandering around, things were loud, the children weren’t paying attention, and I opened a cupboard and turned on a movie.  I was terrible.  I wasn’t prepared, I’d lost all of my skills, I was useless as a teacher.

——-

3:53 PM me: So, yeah, today.
I sent out an email to faculty on behalf of a student
she didn’t get it, though I cc’d her
and no faculty members responded to her
so she assumed it was never sent and sent a passive-aggressive email to (a guy)
who sent one to (his boss, who also happens to be my boss)
who sent the whole mess to me
3:55 PM who wrote to the student and cc’d her capstone advisor
because, come on now
I HATE that
it is my least favorite thing, ever
3:56 PM Let’s see, my options are a) talk to the person who could explain things or help me or clear it up or solve the problem, or b) talk to somebody else entirely in a passive-aggressive way, involve a bunch of people who don’t need to be involved, prolong the process and perpetuate the issue!
WHICH SEEMS SMARTER?
So annoying.
——-

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I’ll still feel you — here — ’til the moment I’m gone.
-Sara Bareilles, Gravity

Evaluated.

November 18, 2008

We have to do evaluations so we have something on file that says no, thanks, don’t fire us should the economy keep on tanking.  We’re worth something!  Here, look at this piece of paper– it proves it!

This is a good idea because I haven’t had an annual evaluation yet, and it’s been over a year since I was hired.  My boss-lady has been kicking ass and taking names since 2005, and she’s never been evaluation.  But the Big Boss Man decided that we should start with self-evaluations (ahem, meaning simply that he didn’t want to do it himself, ahem). So!  I did it, yesterday, and I was fairly modest by also honest.  Modest honesty.  Monesty.

There are five categories and checkboxes and a place for comments, and the categories are as follows — copied directly from the form, thank you, including the typo.

Far Exceeds Standards

A level of performance that is consistently superior. Achievements are exceptional.

Above Standards

A level of performance that often surpasses job requirements. Results are above expected level.

Meets Standards

A level of performance that consistantly meets all normal requirements of the position. Progress is fully satisfactory.

Needs Improvement

A level of performance that does not meet all of the job requirements. Substantial improvements needed.

Not Applicable

Not relevant to current position.

(Somebody needs improvement when it comes to spelling!)

Anyhow, I put myself in the ‘Meets’ and ‘Above’ categories for everything — mostly because I don’t need to add any commentary that way.  Also because it’s true.  And also because I need to look good on this piece of paper, and looking TOO good would look bad.  You know?

Right, so I turned it in to my boss-lady, and she was like “NO.  I am OVERRIDING this.  Pretty much all of it.  You are ridiculous.”  I am hoping she means I have undervalued my abilities as an employee of the University — not that she’s about to mark me ‘Needs Improvement’ everywhere.  Dang.

50×365: DH.

November 18, 2008

Jonathan Adler reminds me of you, ‘cause he’s trim and compact and adorable and he makes the most expressive, sweet faces and he really wants the best for his protégés.  You are just like that – wonderfully encouraging but unrepentant in your heart-feelings, all stubborn affection.  You give excellent hugs.

50×365: DR.

November 17, 2008

You introduced me to both the concepts of the un-aspirated H and intellectual property rights in one fell swoop.  Your head is large and your hat is teeny-tiny, and your door is closed to collaboration since you’re about done.  When you retire, your department will weep for lack of you.

50×365: DM.

November 16, 2008

You got sacked for fucking students on your office couch while your classes worked independently upstairs and your two sweet young daughters played in the adjacent room.  That is the part that particularly disgusts me – keep your business under your kilt while your children are near, you despicable man.

When I look at my calendar, I have exactly zero free days until the 26th of December.  The 26th!  Of December!  Each day is filled with some combination of my full-time job, my full-time grad school, my part-time job, rehearsals, concerts, and/or homework.  Even Thanksgiving.

SO I want to hoard the precious hours I have leftover for myself- sit in my room and make jewelry, practice the piano, read a book.  Organize my desk.  Go buy a new bra.  Take a flippin’ nap, for pete’s sake.  But then I’d never see my friends, so those hours are divided between the people I love and trying to get somewhere on my homework.

The consequence is that now I’m at the place where I need some alone time.  It’s very November-y – the feeling of needing to retreat, to hole up – and I recognize that.  It’s normal.  But damn if it isn’t especially strong this year.

50×365: DK.

November 15, 2008

You’d seem old but for your funky handlebar moustache and your tendency to speak with an edge of impatience in your voice.  But you have respect for all the people that you had better have respect for, and you inspire and encourage my friend, so I won’t lose your paperwork.

50×365: DM.

November 14, 2008

The only things I know about you are as follows:

-You wanted to get with my dear friend.  It didn’t work.
-Your roommate accused you of clipping your pubic hair into the communal trashcan in your down room. (He knew it was yours ‘cause it was your unmistakable curly yellow-blond.)

I shout shout shout it to the world, don’t I?  I am practically yelling my allegiances, my loyalties, my stubborn heartache for you you and only you.  Strange how it works.  You have no idea, you’re the only one in the world who has no idea that you’re in my head all the time, o well-beloved.  I would do anything to make you happy again.  I would be your willow.  Let it be me.

—-

Don’t you dare try to take responsibility for what happened.  Don’t you dare try to take the power from my choice.  You think I’m sexy, and that’s fucking awesome, and I think you’re sexy too, and this time I did it right right right and I. Went. Home.  And I didn’t go home because you made me feel uncomfortable.  I went home because you made me feel that I would be comfortable next to you, all night, and I have decided to be the better person, to keep my integrity in tact from here on out.  So you don’t get to take that from me, you don’t get to apologize, ’cause DIBS.