January 6, 2009

You will not believe the flavor payoff, says Rachael Ray.  Oh, Rachael, I will totally believe the flavor payoff.  When you come to my house and make this meal for me.  Which you’re not gonna do.  But that’s okay!  Maybe eventually when I get some chicken and ginger and greek yoghurt.

This evening, I am going to bake off a couple of crab cakes for lunch tomorrow and Thursday, and a pair of pork chops for dinner Thursday and lunch Friday.  I watched Oprah last night and she was just sad, and desperate, about her continuous struggles with her weight.  I don’t want to be you, Oprah.  I’m sorry that YOU have to be you.

My mom wants to work out and lose weight and etc.  But of course, she doesn’t actually want to do any of the work that’s involved with it.  I would love if she would work out with me, if she wanted to do a little Jillian Michaels Bitch-Tastic 30-Day Shred action.  We did it yesterday and beforehand, she was like, “You gonna torture me with this?”  Which made me mad.

Dear Mom, YOU are the one who supposedly wants this.  I am gonna do it whether you join me or not.  Don’t try to make me feel guilty about wanting to fit into these smaller pants.  You are congratulatory, but with an undercurrent of ‘fuck you’.  That sounds harsh, and I know it’s unconscious on your part, but I feel it a little and blargh.  What do you want, Mom?  What’s the deal?  I, personally, would like to have you around as long as possible — and your smoking and drinking and lack ‘o healthy eating habits are NOT going to contribute to longevity.  Mostly, though, I want you to feel GOOD about yourself.  You’re always complaining about your size and your pants and your belly and blah blah blah.  So take the Special K challenge, or DON’T, but don’t try and make me feel bad about continuing without you.  I am not going to nag you, and I am not going to abandon my own goals.  So that’s what.  Love, Yvanka.

I know I’ve talked a lot about this weight-loss festival recently here on this blog.  I don’t want to be That Girl — the one who is always focusing on her weight — and I hope I’ve avoided that in my general real life.  But at the same time, it’s a part of my life.  I’m trying to do a good job, for my general well-being.  I want more energy, I want more sexy clothes. I want to avoid entirely the sort of stab of self-conscious deep hurt I felt that time I was walking to Ann Taylor and my friend asked if I wanted to stop into Lane Bryant.  Because no, I don’t want to stop into Lane Bryant!  I never want to stop into Lane Bryant.  I do not have the bone structure that portends Lane Bryant, I am descended from people with bones as tiny and birdlike as actual birds.  Neither side has passed down Lane Bryant genes, so if I need to shop at Lane Bryant I have failed myself.  My mother is five foot nothing, and her weight complaint is that she’s at 110 pounds.  The women in my father’s family are slight and stooped and easily crushed.  I weighed 120 pounds all through high school, and the ideal weight for my height is 135.  I should not be wearing clothing that Lane Bryant sells.  I am not built like a model, or a twig — I am going to have a bum and some boobs, always.  But you know what?  For me — for ME, not for everyone — that bum and those boobs really should not be in double-digit sizes.  (Except the ribcage part of the boobs, of course.  34-B, baby!  LET’S GO!)

This is not to say that women who wear double-digit sizes are fat or unattractive.  Far to the contrary — my most pervasive lady-crush is a statuesque woman.  I have several wonderfully sexy friends who are probably in the double digits.  You know, truly, when I was in double digits a mere month ago, I was still pretty goddamned hot, thank you.  But I — me, myself, I — don’t NEED to carry around this extra weight.  And I love food, I love love LOVE food, but I am learning what I need and what I don’t need. I don’t want to be described as Rubenesque when I could be a leaner, quicker version of myself.

WHAT THE FUCK why am I even ranting about this?  You guys are not the ones who need to hear this.  Nobody needs to hear this, really, but me.  I blame Oprah.  She got in my brain last night.  Bob the Trainer said to write down the answers to two questions, and I’ll do it.   Why are you overweight, Yvanka?  I am overweight because I don’t think, because I don’t have anyone appreciating my physical presence on a regular basis, because it’s easy to ignore what it is I’m putting in my mouth and just focus on the relationships I do have with the people who don’t care how fat I’ve gotten.  I am overweight, but I am working on it.

What is keeping me from losing weight?  Sometimes I actually feel guilty for feeling successful at weight loss, when I have conversations with people who are struggling with losing weight themselves, or not yet feeling ready to embark on a ‘weight loss journey’ — I feel like I need to temper my joy that I have less of myself to haul around.  I even feel guilty that I’m going to post this on my blog, to tell you the truth.  It feels like I’m cocky, somehow, that I’m shouting that I AM DOING IT!  I am making a change in my body and it is important!  And then I’m frustrated about feeling guilty or cocky, because this is something I’m doing for myself.  The first real thing I’m pursuing for my own benefit in a LONG time, actually — most the things I do ‘for myself’ I am usually really doing for someone else, or because it’s my duty.  This is something for me, so I can feel slim and sexy and good.  And I do.  And I will.

As a post, that was crap – there’s no narrative thread, and I’m not going to bother putting one in.  If you read that vomitous mass of raw expository feeling, thank you.  If you’re still my friend even after reading it, thank you again.  Now I’m going to go move my laundry from the washer to the dryer, and then I am going to drink a glass of water, work out with Jillian, and eat a sugar-free pudding snack.


2 Responses to “HEALTH. GODDAMNIT.”

  1. saucygrrl Says:

    don’t feel guilty. be proud of what you’ve accomplished-losing weight, changing habits (especially bad ones), restructuring your point of view is hard. i know you will continue to be sensitive to how others feel (cuz that’s how you roll) but don’t apologize and feel guilty. Keep on rockin’ with your slim sexy cocky self!! luv~

  2. yvanka Says:

    Thanks, lady. I’ll keep on rollin’. Appreciate you.

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