Can I just tell you
January 3, 2011
…a bunch of random things without any editing? Grand. That’s my plan then.
I am a loser at getting things done without a supervisor. I mean, I’ll send emails and answer the phone and handle things and look and act like things are happening, but good god I can’t manage to do anything with my usual quickness. It’s frustrating because when there’s somebody around I am a CHAMPION, a HERO at accomplishment, but then give me a week by myself in the office and my productivity drops way off. It’s a completely awful feature I have. And I can’t even enjoy it because I can’t motivate myself and I can’t feel good about being such a slacker. This is different slacking than school slacking – this is WORK slacking, and I hate myself for it.
Oh, I’ll catch up. And I know in my heart of hearts that it will be fine, especially since I also know in my brain of brains that my general level of productivity is (forgive this self-aware assholish confidence in me) is much higher than that of normal folks. But ergh. Flergh. Blergh.
Radiolab, I love it. If you don’t know it, learn it.
I had a bit of a thing the other day where I ended up in a strangely intimate email conversation with someone about spirituality, and I realized that I haven’t had to articulate my personal beliefs in a long time… if ever. I then wondered if all of my people just feel the same way and don’t need to ask (or don’t want to ask to avoid potentially awkward whatever) or don’t care. I had a moment where I was like, OH GOD NOBODY CARES ABOUT HOW I FEEL, and then I realized oh no, wait, I was just asked pretty directly how I feel. At least this suddenly intimate email-conversation partner gives enough of a rat’s ass about my response to that question that they asked it.
But how can you ever know, with email? Though, she could’ve just dropped the little kernel of conversation that led into the deep soul thing, as it would’ve been really simple to swing into humor or something else or nothing at all.
I don’t know. The weirdest part of it all was where she subsequently purported to have guessed it, had some intuitive feeling about my answer, before I gave it. The strangest part of that is that I believe her.
Goddamn flight of spiritual fancy, throwing me off my game and making me think about deep shit. Somehow that makes me a little mad. It’s a lot easier to be pleasant and cheerful.
Nice things people have said to me recently:
“I love your cheerfulness. It even comes through in email.”
“I just wanted to let you know that your positive attitude has influenced me and our entire organization for the better.”
“Thank you so much for your cool, collected response to my crisis! You were oh-so-helpful!”
Okay I feel better. Thanks.